I thought the idea of leaving my cell was the hardest thing I’d face. That being free, having choices, not being a number… the very necessity of learning who “Kohen” was and learning to fit that shape. It’d been hard. The being who’d helped me in the end had also shattered me.
Both of them. It wasn’t just Lakshou’s actions to take my mind and body from me with embedded conditioning. Captain had gotten his hits in too, keeping his secrets, not being honest. It broke the bond inside me, the need I’d had to connect to him on a level so deep he’d never leave me alone.
Or maybe the electricity that fried the circuits grafted with alien DNA in my body had been what connected us, and when that had been burned to a crisp, our bond had been burned away too.
He’d been gone since we got back. Chomper and I took care of each other; my alien son had made another leap that day and his body now shifted seamlessly between a humanoid or dragon body, and his understanding grew every day. He spent hours on the vid, learning about the universe, while I stared at the walls of our tiny home.
All that was hard. Almost impossible to survive.
But facing down the eyes of the crew who’d gathered at Deke’s home staring at me wordlessly was harder. My heart pounded, and if I’d eaten already, I might have vomited. Chomper hissed, the air heated in waves in front of him in spite of being in his humanoid form. “Move,” he demanded.
The room was silent as bodies slowly parted, like they didn’t want to.
Deke led the way, the asshole just as quick to push when there wasn’t enough room. “Seriously people, why are you here? I said I’d bring him.”
Aparoe appeared in the door. “What is going on? I said you needed to be quiet out here.” They stopped. “Oh. Oh thank the stars. Quick, come quick.”
The crew moved out of the way even faster then.
“He needs you, Kohen.” Aparoe stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. “I know you’re not well… but he doesn’t have much time.”
I still wasn’t prepared for what I’d see when I stepped inside the bedroom. Captain, the strong, vibrant man who’d saved me was now a shadow of his former self. The skin was stretched tight across his skull, his cheeks sunk in. Dark shadows circled his eyes. His body was unnaturally still, his shoulders still somehow hunched, his arms cradled across his stomach.
“He helped you. Now help him.”
“Deke. Stop it.” Aparoe hit him.
“Hey, what happened to do no harm?” Deke frowned.
“You don’t count. And I didn’t hurt you so stop whining. Kohen, remember, touch heals.” Aparoe ushered Deke from the room, even though he kept complaining it was his house, his room.
“Chomper, what did he do to himself?”
“He’s sick. Bonding sickness. Looked it up. Bad. Bad. He needs you.”
“When I bonded with him, he kept trying to take away my choices. Worse, his choices were forced because he was bonded to me. I’m not good for him.”
“Not good without you.” Chomper moved to the bed, curling up on the chest at the foot. I knew it was full of weapons.
“Don’t open that or go poking around,” I warned him. He was growing up, maturing, becoming something I never expected, but he was still into everything around him. The last thing I wanted was for Chomper to blow parts of himself up. I wasn’t sure they’d grow back.
“No,” he agreed. He put his head down on the bed, a sad look on his dark-skinned face. His large, liquid eyes looked at the still body and then back at me. “Help him?”
I couldn’t forget Captain had raised him too. What I felt for him, Chomper felt too.
Sort of.
He probably didn’t feel the heat curling in his stomach, even with Captain’s body so wasted, looking so ill, that I did. The need in my fingers, to touch that skin.
Oh, stars burn, did I need him. A sob cracked my chest wide open, and I crawled onto the bed to collapse next to him. “How could you do this to yourself?” I mumbled brokenly, stroking his face. The stubble was rough as always, but his skin was cold.
The precious gift he’d given me, the synthgar, slid down from behind his ear. Even it looked weak, its deep blue scales pale to nearly gray. He’d told me this, told me if we separated we’d be harmed. I hadn’t remembered. Why didn’t I remember what it could do to him?
Bonding. The synthgar. If I wasn’t sick, then the bond must be broken on my end. Maybe, if I let it bite me again, bond us together?
“Chomper, go see Aparoe,” I said. “No looking up the things we talked about on the vid while I’m in here.”
“Help him?”
“Yes.” I couldn’t do anything else. No matter what I felt, how angry I’d been, how scared for him, he’d saved me so many times.
Now I was going to save him.
“Go. I’ll be out… later.” It would work or it wouldn’t. Captain’s breathing was getting shallower. I had to try.
I nestled the synthgar on Captain’s neck for a moment, and rolled over, stripping off my clothes with haste. He was naked beneath the blanket, and I shivered at the cool stiffness of his body. It was like he was already gone, if I couldn’t see the slight rise and fall.
Thinking back to that first bond, I nestled the synthgar against the hollow of my throat. “Sting me, please.” I stroked its back. “Bond me, us. Please,” I begged.
A sharp sting, a wash of heat, and I jerked as the cold inside Captain invaded me. His feelings. His despair.
“Oh no, love. Come back to me,” I whispered.
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