It started as pressure building up and a slight burning in my throat. My breath caught and the hitch couldn't be covered. I waved one hand, asking for a minute. A tissue was crumpled in my hand already, the soft ball clenched hard as I tried to hold on.
Saying good-bye couldn't be done in a stranger's room, in their blankets. I rushed out to get yours and spread it out in the back seat. I held you in my arms, stroked your face, and told you exactly what you needed me to say. I said again and again how much we all loved you. I promised we'd be going home soon.
You kept looking up at me, your brown eyes liquid as your eyebrows shifted back and forth. You were so strong, staying longer than they said you would but in the end your eyes closed. I whispered a broken goodbye and covered you up.
They said I did the right thing, but the right thing hurt like hell. There's something about making the choice that closed those eyes that haunts me. I turn around a dozen times, expecting you to be with me, and fight that burning when the memory of that moment hits all over again.
Today would have been your birthday.
I’m sorry.
Strider
11-22-2001 to 11-20-2012
Ah, Cia, I'm so sorry. Yours is the second pet that I read about today. I feel so bad for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss...I know, those seem like such empty words...but I can only add thatI've had to do that more times than I care to think about...but I believed then, and still do, that it is the kindest thing to do for a pet. Pets give us so much and ask for so little. The fact that we can put aside our own pain and desire to keep them with us, in order to let them stop suffering is one of the greatest gifts we can give.
ReplyDeleteI feel this even more after seeing my friend's brother keeping his dog alive b/c 'it is going to hurt too much to lose him.' To me, it is selfish to watch an animal suffer b/c it will hurt you. The only concern should be about what's best for that animal? If there were no quality of life left and I was suffering with no hope of getting better, I'd be grateful to someone I love for choosing to let me go.
The single regret I have is that I couldn't be with one of my babies...my Chloe was a cockatiel and they said they had to put him in the tank and put him to sleep that way. I had to let him go into the hands of the vet and I begged to hold him and be there...they said no. He was struggling to breath and I knew he was suffering so I did. I hope he knows how badly I feel about that bc I don't think I can forgive myself for not demanding to be with him. I always tell someone if you can be there to hold the animal through that moment, that as hard as it is, you are their safe spot and make it easier.
I always like to believe someday when I leave here, that it will be like it's described in 'The Rainbow Bridge' Poem. That poem makes me bawl whenever I read it, but I really hope it's like that in the next world.
I hope you are consoled by memories and the knowlege you stopped your baby's suffering. RIP Strider and say hi to all my babies up there too.
You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. Nothing much else to say. No words can really ease your pain; only time will lessen it. Try to remember the good times.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about this. I went through this with a puppy a long time ago and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Nothing ever makes it sound better but thankfully you have years of wonderful memories to share and keep and hopefully they drown out the bad.
ReplyDeleteMuch love and sympathy, my dear.
We had to put our dog to sleep too, he was 14 years old. It still breaks my heart when my niece asks when Checkers is coming home. My deepest sympathies Cia.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. We had a rotty that we had for 11 years and that was hard when she went in her sleep.....now we have 4 little house dogs (spoiled rotten I tell you).
ReplyDelete((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
My deepest sympathies go out to you. I have had to help make the decision for three of my pets, two horses and one dog. When it was determined that my dog had a tumor that was inoperable at the age of 12 it was one of the hardest things to try and cope with. I had had her for all but 6 weeks of her life and it seemed impossible that at some point she would be gone. My vet who is amazing helped us with a plan for her pain management and when I asked him how I would know when it was time he said simply "she'll tell you". She did tell me, on Mothers Day, and my vet made the 30 minute trek to my house where he helped her to peacefully pass on. My son was 2 and only understood that she was no longer going to be with us and was inconsolable. When we tried to explain heaven to him he asked if she could just come down from the sky to visit, not knowing how to handle that one I said that heaven was in our heart and that she would always be with him in his heart. She wouldn't have to visit because she was already with him. Six years later when his little sister asks what dog is that in the picture her brother patiently explains " You never knew Brook but she is in heaven in our hearts, I'll share her with you so she can be in your heart too". My long winded point is that Strider will always be in your heart and he won't have to come only for visits because he is already here.
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone. I know that a lot of people have gone through this, but the only other pet I've had was a rabbit and a ferret. A dog is different, and making that decision was a shock. We raised Strider from a tiny puppy so we had a lot of great years to remember. I've spent the last 6 years at home with the kids ... and Strider. He affected my day, every day, and afforded me a sense of security that he was here to protect us too. It's so very strange to not have him here, and sad. It helps hearing everyone else that knows what it's like. Thank you so much.
ReplyDelete*Hugs* I'm so sorry, hun. I kmow it's been a rough week all around. I'm thinking of ya.
ReplyDelete~M
I am sorry for your loss. I recently had to put down my old and sassy Boston Terrier. Pig was her own dog who only wanted to be petted when it was good for her but she was always there next to me. She was a tiny, scrawny thing who, even at her worst, could put my Rottweiler in his place with a look. It will hurt and you will always be expecting your pupcake to be there. It will get better with time and it will happen less often. The memories are what keeps them around.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel the need to get another dog soon, know that you are not replacing him. You are filling a hole in your heart. I got my bulldog pup three days after Pig died. Some people thought it made me heartless. I knew that I needed something there and he fit. Letting go is the hardest part of love. Loving anew is the easiest.
My heart goes out to you Cia. I will have to make that decision soon for my baby thats been with me for the past 12 years. She is the most wonderful lab mix ever!
ReplyDeleteAww. I feel for you. About a year ago my mom had to put down our dog too. It was sad because the dog was the only living thing that tied us to my older sister who passed away Christmas Eve 2001. He is buried where my sister is buried, they cremated him. Anyway, loved that dog.
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